NYMPHE: Childless, Childfree, Parent, Stepmom.

FEMININITY, WOMANHOOD, GENDER IDENTITY, & REPRODUCTION...

Commenters to the Nymphe blog, and other places where I've been involved in discussions about the choice of whether to reproduce, have asked whether I feel like less of a woman because I chose not to have biological children. (Some imply that if I do feel unwomanly for not being a biomom, it's merely a societal gender construct and therefore perhaps beneath me to feel...)

having grief in one area of life doesn't snuff out all fulfillment in other areas of life.

A childfree by choice woman named May just posted some cool comments and questions on an older post, and got me off & running again about the childless/childfree/motherhood/fulfillment tangle. Read her post and my absurdly lengthly replies right here on yr local Nymphe blog.

a few highlights: maybe we become some kind of yogi-type spiritual warriors by denying our bodily desires to such an extent, like monks. who knows.

i don't imagine this (level of daily grief) will be a permanent feeling.  (it's already been changing and getting better...)

in terms of grief, it's very different to other griefs i've experienced and/or watched others go through.

i do live a fulfilling life, always have. but i am not fulfilling what my body, my dna, and my hormones believe to be my Biological Destiny. that's a huge struggle.

it's like talking to someone who believes in angels or that God wants them to wear a veil all the time or that aliens are controlling them despite the tin-foil-lined hat they're wearing: fascinating but utterly, well, alien to me. UNTIL i experienced it.

i was probably worst off around age 37-38. if that hadn't improved somewhat, and if i hadn't found ways to manage the grief and connect with others going through similar grief, well, i'm not sure i'd be here today.

imagine you're on a chain, in a river, like the Greeks' Tantalus. you're starving and you're thirsty. somehow, your body keeps going despite the fact that you never get food or water. every time you bend to drink, the chain stops you. there's a fragrant orange tree right overhead. you can't reach the orange, however many times you try. maybe someone upriver is BBQing a steak. for infertile people, the chain may seem irrevocable. but many of us fall somewhere along a wide spectrum of childlessness/childfree life. we DECIDE not to drink the water or eat the orange, for the sake of the child, our marriages, our health, the planet, or other reasons. can you imagine that? standing in a river, your body insisting that you are dying of thirst, and not drinking? well, that's what this feels like.

part of why i want to tell my story is that i think younger women should be aware that however solid they are in their childfree decision, they may get their asses completely kicked by the bioclock later on. (yes, i'm willing to get dogpiled, as i have on other forums, for daring to say this.)

on childless women not being womanly: is Lauren Hutton unwomanly: Oprah? Simone de Beauvoir, Frida Kahlo? Ella Fitzgerald? Julia Child? yeah, didn't think so.

nature is another matter altogether. there are some animals and plants out there who replicate without breeding, but not generally a cuddly bunch. going through this, i suddenly felt alienated from nature itself.

to comment -= please read the original thread right here on yr local Nymphe blog and add your comment there.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A PENIS."

I'm just quoting Isabella Rossellini in "Green Porno 2: Starfish." No, this isn't porn per se. It's just really cool and involves puppets. See the video free at Sundance Channel. The limpet section is cool, too. Well, all of 'em are.

I'm reminded of how my childhood learning, from fairy stories to educational films, revolved around reproduction so much...