NYMPHE: Childless, Childfree, Parent, Stepmom.

EXPLODING, FERTILE HEADS.

"On the other hand do not discount your Athena-like brainchildren that spring forth from your temples. They too can take a life of their own."

                        —my friend La M., to me, today

In many myths—and our dear friend Wikipedia can relate some of them to you—the "virgin" goddess Athena, goddess of wisdom, war, crafts, culty ritual goodness, and general kick-assiness, was born fully-formed from the head of Zeus. Whether she just popped out of there like a jack in the box or had to be hacked out of Zeus' skull by Prometheus or some other well-hung god is a matter of debate. Anyway. The image is clear: more than one way to birth something amazing.

She's also occasionally attributed with being an adoptive mom.

FEMININITY, WOMANHOOD, GENDER IDENTITY, & REPRODUCTION...

Commenters to the Nymphe blog, and other places where I've been involved in discussions about the choice of whether to reproduce, have asked whether I feel like less of a woman because I chose not to have biological children. (Some imply that if I do feel unwomanly for not being a biomom, it's merely a societal gender construct and therefore perhaps beneath me to feel...)

having grief in one area of life doesn't snuff out all fulfillment in other areas of life.

A childfree by choice woman named May just posted some cool comments and questions on an older post, and got me off & running again about the childless/childfree/motherhood/fulfillment tangle. Read her post and my absurdly lengthly replies right here on yr local Nymphe blog.

a few highlights: maybe we become some kind of yogi-type spiritual warriors by denying our bodily desires to such an extent, like monks. who knows.

i don't imagine this (level of daily grief) will be a permanent feeling.  (it's already been changing and getting better...)

in terms of grief, it's very different to other griefs i've experienced and/or watched others go through.

i do live a fulfilling life, always have. but i am not fulfilling what my body, my dna, and my hormones believe to be my Biological Destiny. that's a huge struggle.

it's like talking to someone who believes in angels or that God wants them to wear a veil all the time or that aliens are controlling them despite the tin-foil-lined hat they're wearing: fascinating but utterly, well, alien to me. UNTIL i experienced it.

i was probably worst off around age 37-38. if that hadn't improved somewhat, and if i hadn't found ways to manage the grief and connect with others going through similar grief, well, i'm not sure i'd be here today.

imagine you're on a chain, in a river, like the Greeks' Tantalus. you're starving and you're thirsty. somehow, your body keeps going despite the fact that you never get food or water. every time you bend to drink, the chain stops you. there's a fragrant orange tree right overhead. you can't reach the orange, however many times you try. maybe someone upriver is BBQing a steak. for infertile people, the chain may seem irrevocable. but many of us fall somewhere along a wide spectrum of childlessness/childfree life. we DECIDE not to drink the water or eat the orange, for the sake of the child, our marriages, our health, the planet, or other reasons. can you imagine that? standing in a river, your body insisting that you are dying of thirst, and not drinking? well, that's what this feels like.

part of why i want to tell my story is that i think younger women should be aware that however solid they are in their childfree decision, they may get their asses completely kicked by the bioclock later on. (yes, i'm willing to get dogpiled, as i have on other forums, for daring to say this.)

on childless women not being womanly: is Lauren Hutton unwomanly: Oprah? Simone de Beauvoir, Frida Kahlo? Ella Fitzgerald? Julia Child? yeah, didn't think so.

nature is another matter altogether. there are some animals and plants out there who replicate without breeding, but not generally a cuddly bunch. going through this, i suddenly felt alienated from nature itself.

to comment -= please read the original thread right here on yr local Nymphe blog and add your comment there.

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH...

I just wanted to mention... well, I've been having a really, really tough time lately with my artwork and writing and stuff that is inspired by or directly related to being biologically childless. Some people are being so fabulous and supportive, and others have just struck me down, a dogpile.

I decided to re-read the newspaper article about my work in this realm (by Inara Verzemnieks for The Oregonian). The article appreciated my work, and re-reading it made me feel a bit better. Then, online, there were a bunch of comments following the article. A lot of them were absolutely shitty and ridiculous and mean.

And then there were the responses *to* the shitty responses. People appreciating exploratory art in general, people supporting the article, people supporting me. People supporting the idea that someone wants to make their work about a silent issue, one that is ridiculed. And there are the responses here on Nymphe. It feels right, bringing up these subjects, writing about them, having conversations. Sometimes it's just really, really fuckin' hard.

So that's my check-in for the day. And here's what someone posted on The Oregonian, in response to people tryin' to take me down:

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident." -- Schopenhauer

Easter Island Project: links

I've been on the road with the Easter Island Project, so I haven't had much time to post here.

The weirdness and intensity that is the onslaught of the biological clock continues, though every day I reconfirm my choice to remain childless/childfree. I will say this: at age 40, it is still difficult, especially practicing 'selective avoidance' enough to stay sane. However, the level of tormented grief I experienced a few years ago has definitely subsided. I feel there is hope.

So anyway: I posted a couple photos from the Portland and Seattle sessions on 2GQ.org if you're interested. Lots more fun stuff to come as I sort through all the photos, videos, and "seeds" I'm taking to Easter Island. (If you missed my spam: the project arose out of my interest in childlessness/childfree living, and the petri dish of overpopulation that Easter Island's history provides.)

Join the email list at New Oregon Arts & Letters, the presenter of the project, if you want updates. You'll also receive the occasional announcement about other projects the organization sponsors. 

PARTICIPATE: ART, WRITING, & PERFORMANCE INSPIRED BY THE CHILDLESS EXPERIENCE

  

TIFFANY LEE BROWN: 
THE EASTER ISLAND PROJECT

We are compelled to create—to make, write, act, and give birth. How do we manifest this deep desire? How do our creations—novels, babies, and atom bombs—affect our lives, our culture, and our planet?

The Easter Island Project invites audiences to explore the questions through the act of creation itself with Plazm editor and 2GQ director Tiffany Lee Brown, as she prepares for an interdisciplinary art expedition to Easter Island in the South Pacific. 

Inspired by Tiffany's investigation into biological childlessness in contemporary American culture, the Easter Island Project is an ongoing participatory art and performance work. Participants and audience members "seed" the project by generously contributing their own creativity in person, online, and through the mail.  

Want to participate, or come to a live event? Please email easterislandproject@gmail.com . Details will be updated throughout the year at 2GQ.org.

UPCOMING EVENTS: Seattle, Portland, Arizona, San Francisco Bay Area, New York City, and Rapa Nui, Chile.

THANK YOU.

Since starting the Nymphe blog, performing "House Bound," and writing "The Bubble of Silence: Are some topics, such as childlessness, unfit for polite conversation?" for Oregon Humanities magazine, I've begun to receive support and feedback from women in my situation and from many others as well. Thank you.

As a lot of you know, dealing with the grief of childlessness can make us feel horribly alone and misunderstood, sometimes obsessed with feelings and intense desires that other people seem to find abstract, odd, or perhaps selfish. And as some of you also know, being an artist or a writer or a blogger can feel similar, like we're spewing our souls into a vast, oxygenless galaxy, hoping another astronaut might drift by and wave hello. Thank you.

So I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the cards you've sent to me c/o the Plazm and 2GQ post office box. Grateful for the many emails and Facebook messages. Grateful, too, when you choose to speak up and post comments to this blog. For such a socially uncomfortable issue, childlessness apparently affects a heckuva lot of people. We know one thing, at least: we are not alone.

Thank you.

BABY DADDIES IN THE MOVIES

A recent post on Tasty Lil' Things blog featured this movie trailer. Coming from the biologically "childless by marriage" camp, I was interested in seeing a male character try to convince his lady that they should have kids—partly to save their marriage. Whether the film Not Easily Broken turns out to be worth watching, it's at least a gender twist on the more familiar formulas of She's Having a Baby, Baby Mama, Juno, Knocked Up, and, oh, about fourteen thousand other movies. Do "fertility films" serve a feminist function or are they just the latest delivery method (so to speak) for a "sunset-and-rainbows kind of Hollywood schmaltz", as suggested by Alissa Quart in Mother Jones?

ON CHILDLESS GRIEF: ZEN MOMENTS IN FRANCE

My writing group friend Lara Owen published an excellent story about interacting with childless/childfree women in France. Read it at Zenmoments.org.

THE GRIEVING CHILDLESS: ARE WE FROM ANOTHER PLANET?

i'm beginning to think that whatever anyone says about childlessness-related grief (whether they are childless/childfree by some choice of their own, like me, or infertile), no one is going to understand except people who've gone through it. it's like explaining an orgasm to someone who's never had one, or hunger to someone who's never wanted food. it probably sounds like those of us experiencing this grief are from another planet.

the above is part of an exchange i had with a commenter named Sarah. i thought her questions were interesting... if you click "continue", you can read the conversation.