NYMPHE: Living Childless & Child-free

"REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING"

Here's another article about overparenting and helicopter parents. What I wonder is this: has the rising trend in overparenting contributed to the hostile atmosphere between childless people and parents? Or can we blame that on the Internet, the increasing numbers of childless and childfree people in the U.S. and elsewhere, and the fact that this minority group of people is finally finding its voice?

Overparenting in Time magazine here.

CHILDFREE & CHILDLESS WOMEN BATTLE IT OUT WITH "THE MOMMIES"...

Homemaker-mothers stake out their territory after centuries of being treated like crap. Childfree and otherwise biologically childless women who will stay childfree are in the minority (20%) and seek out others like themselves. Working women have to defend their decision to work outside of the home*. Infertile women feel intense pain that is often mocked or misunderstood.

And then there are women like me, who've wandered along a few different points of the spectrum, in my case going from vociferously childfree to grieving (thanks to that biological clock) to being a stepmom, and yes, finding co-parenting intensely meaningful. Men and other-gendered folks who are wrestling with similar issues. We're barely even acknowledged as part of the conversation.

Now let's suppose we all start flinging mud at each other. Not just bemoaning or celebrating aspects of our own lives, but lashing out. The Internet boosts the battle. Online, we can all vomit out whatever words we want, any ol' time, and feel few real-life consequences, compared to standing in a group of real people and announcing our views. I've been doing this since 1992; I can be a total Internet asshole. But it's not necessarily helpful or useful.

The media promotes the mommy conflict because they're guaranteed to get a zillion comments whenever they run: a story about allegedly self-absorbed, wealthy infertile women; an opinion piece by an allegedly aloof childfree person; a clearly arrogant parent who thinks that parenting is the ne plus ultra of all existence. In the resulting blog comments and counter-blogging, everyone will accuse each other of selfishness.

I'm a sucker for a good fight, but this one has really gotten me down. When we're all disrespecting each other and playing Queen of the Hill: who wins? Some fat cat media executive? Ariana Huffington? A desperate blogger wishing to be understood, to have her views affirmed by similar people who must be out there? In the latter case, how long will that blogger's outburst make her feel better?

In that small moment of smugness or desperation, when we write that defensive, angry post: we want to reach out. We want to say, "HEY I'M HERE, MY EXPERIENCE MATTERS, AND I HAVE A VOICE." This is the genius of the online communications revolution, along with the zine revolution, pirate radio, independent music, and small press.

I get paid real folding money to write about my experiences and opinions for newspapers and magazines. That, and teaching, constitute the bulk of my day job. Here on Nymphe, I can blog. No one pays me, but I can blather without going through an editor or making everything nice and pretty. I can be me, and I can be completely real.

Millions of other lucky ladies--- those with jobs or disposable incomes or local libraries that allow us to get computers and Internet access---can do it, too. What we seem to be saying, underneath all the clawing and spitting, is simply, RESPECT ME. Respect me and my choices.

Try to understand the hand fate or god or biology or nature, or whatever's in charge of this mess, has dealt me. Respect the emotions I go through. Don't tell me that your way is the superior way, we bloggers and yellers seem to be saying. Don't judge me. I'll just get defensive and yell back.

How can we get on the same page and agree to put up with each other and each other's lives, including reproductive choices? I think we put too much pressure on ourselves. My mom was among those first women to use the birth control pill in the US, in the 1960s. C'mon, guys, we've had only one generation to get used to contemporary feminism, to start acclimating our new gender roles in the larger culture. Think of all the changes in that short span of time. There's no way all the issues can be ironed out in such a blip of history. We're totally freakin' confused by all the options... but hey, maybe that's OK.

Our entire culture has just begun dealing with this. A television show called Murphy Brown was considered revolutionary about 20 years ago, because in it a single career woman decided to have a baby. The vice president of the United States bothered to mention this fact. Dude: that was only two decades ago! Speaking of babies, we are all infants, newcomers to this radically altered, feminist way of life. There's no adequate social, cultural, political, or often familial infrastructure for handling what we're all going through.

Realistically, how can we get there? Is fighting enough? Is yelling enough? Is blogging enough?


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Some stuff to read:

"Ack! What's going on? If I were a conspiracy theorist, I'd be convinced we were in the midst of a well-coordinated, full-on assault against those who can't or don't have children."  From "Moms, We Hear You Loud & Clear," by Pamela Tsigdinos on the Coming2Terms blog. http://coming2terms.com/2009/11/16/something-in-the-water.aspx?results=1

From "Don't Forget to Have Kids, Part Two" by Mika Brzezinksi, at Huffington Post. (Childless/childfree people: take a deep breath before reading this one. Or maybe do like an hour of meditation or yoga. Get ready:) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mika-brzezinski/dont-forget-to-have-kids_b_358839.html

EXPLODING, FERTILE HEADS.

"On the other hand do not discount your Athena-like brainchildren that spring forth from your temples. They too can take a life of their own."

                        —my friend La M., to me, today

In many myths—and our dear friend Wikipedia can relate some of them to you—the "virgin" goddess Athena, goddess of wisdom, war, crafts, culty ritual goodness, and general kick-assiness, was born fully-formed from the head of Zeus. Whether she just popped out of there like a jack in the box or had to be hacked out of Zeus' skull by Prometheus or some other well-hung god is a matter of debate. Anyway. The image is clear: more than one way to birth something amazing.

She's also occasionally attributed with being an adoptive mom.

HEALING FROM THE GRIEF OF BEING CHILDLESS LEADS ONE WOMAN TO DEATH.

Desperately seeking healthy ways to grieve and move on? You're not alone. The question of motherhood or childlessness, for those of whom it happens to hit hard, can bring about deep grief and existential crisis. "What is the meaning of life?"

Well, we could ask Monty Python, or we could delve in deep and find it, ourselves. Especially if we're with reluctant/unwilling partners, this process can be even lonelier than usual. Or if, like some women (thank goddess not me), we're surrounded by an entire community that has children: what do you do if 100% of your friends are pregnant or have babies, if you live in a small town where family is the only topic of discussion, or if your church promotes procreation (you know my answer on that one, but i can't judge someone else for staying in what i consider a shitty religion; I've heard from more than one person that I'm stupid for staying in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to have kids with me. Takes all kinds.).

If you can get through this harrowing process without flinging yourself off a bridge or, like the characters in the film Raising Arizona, stealing someone's baby, you're already doing great. Hats off to you. But you may find a creeping need for deeper spirituality in your life. I recently did a creativity program that led me to write, in giant capital letters: I AM ANGRY AT GOD, even though, ya know, I don't even believe in God.

I started to see why people, especially around this age, finally throw in the towel on being rational and slide into some religion or other. It's because sometimes things are simply too much for us to bear. If we don't offload some of this on a hopefully benevolent, external spirit or being or god or Godness or universe, if we don't Let It Go (where does it go, exactly, the stuff we're instructed by New Agers to "let go"?)... well, we may not be able to make it through. Or we may become so bitter and twisted that we probably should've jumped off that bridge when the biological clock first smacked us down, because hey, who wants to live life bitter and twisted and sad and grieving and nasty? Not on a hipster-cynic level, but FOR REAL?

One childless stepmom (CSM, in online support parlance) whose partner didn't want more children sought help in a program that was supposed to transform life, mind, and spirit. It sure did. But she didn't live through that process.

Here's the story.

FEMININITY, WOMANHOOD, GENDER IDENTITY, & REPRODUCTION...

Commenters to the Nymphe blog, and other places where I've been involved in discussions about the choice of whether to reproduce, have asked whether I feel like less of a woman because I chose not to have biological children. (Some imply that if I do feel unwomanly for not being a biomom, it's merely a societal gender construct and therefore perhaps beneath me to feel...)

SOME BY CHANCE, SOME BY CHOICE

Nancy Rome wrote a thoughtful piece for the Washington Post that captures some of the breadth of the childless/childfree experience (at least for women). She spoke with 100% childfree by choice women, and those who had miscarriages or stillbirths and decided to continue life childfree. One woman said her decision—and other people's reactions to it—made her feel like an outlaw.

'But almost all the women I've talked with describe feeling acutely aware of what they see as our national obsession with motherhood,' she writes...

OBVIOUS CHILD

"Your pee smells like Cheetos" and "fucktard" are among the excellent lines in this short, Internet-viewable film. That alone should recommend "Obvious Child," but it gets extra points for representing what sex, love, pregnancy, and life are like for some young women.

Note: this post/that film is probably not suitable for people actively dealing with infertility and similar grief, so stop here. Also: SPOILER ALERT about the film follows.

Unlike "Juno" and "Knocked Up," Obvious Child doesn't gloss over...

I'LL BE ON NPR / OREGON PUBLIC BROADCASTING THIS WED. RE: CHILDLESS, CHILDFREE, AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

New Oregon director Tiffany Lee Brown will be a guest on the Oregon Public Broadcasting show Think Out Loud on Wednesday, October 14, 2009. The show airs live 9:00-10:00 a.m. on National Public Radio stations throughout Oregon and Southwest Washington.

TOL welcomes your online comments and live calls to the show. So get on the horn and ask an intelligent, nice question or share your story! The online discussion is already underway. During the show, call 888-665-5TOL (or 665-5865), or email comments to thinkoutloud ((at)) opb.org .

ABORTION DURING THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK

"It isn’t very often that you’re called upon to make a decision that you know will affect the rest of your life, a decision that is irrevocable and defining. I chose to end the pregnancy for what I thought were good reasons, chief among them being my boyfriend’s emphatic unwillingness to be a father." —Margaret Gunther in Modern Love

Personally, I've never been pregnant. I may not even be fertile for all I know; however, I'm paranoid about disease and unwanted pregnancy, so I haven't chanced it. But I did notice a change in my attitude during the time (mid thirties) when I finally, very reluctantly, started acknowledging that I might actually want to have a biological child—something I never imagined for myself...

THE REFERENDUM

Which lifestyle to choose? Kids to have or not have? Marriage to pursue or singlehood to live? Why so much snark, jealousy, and bitterness between "the referendums" of people who've chosen their various paths—especially when they hit middle age?

Tim Kreider's excellent, poignant essay on the subject, and some surprisingly intelligent, cogent comments*, make for great reading on the NY Times website. 

*"Surprising" given some of the idiotic, bizarre, hateful, and vitriolic comments I've seen on that site. Maybe Kreider is given a break because he's male? Or maybe it was the word "infertility" that sent NY Times blog posters into a foaming-at-the-mouth, disgusting comment-frenzy last year...