The biological clock, a beautiful experience being a stepmom, and being with The Luv of My Life conspired to bring me four-plus years of self-torture self-discovery. Logically, it did not make sense to change my life plans, to complete the leap from childfree to undecided to childed. I've got significant health problems. I worry, like most thinking humans, about passing along medical and psychological characteristics from my birth family to any children.
Most importantly, my household family are happy the way they are—the biological dad with his biological daughter living with us half-time, a great biological mom living nearby, and a loving stepmom to boot. Ironically, it was their love that cracked my little walnut of a heart open... and inspired me to actually consider having a baby, not something I'd ever expected to see on my "Things To Do Before Death" list (yeah, I've got one of those).
The intensity of "maternal desire" or "the generative urge" took me off guard and blew apart everything I thought I knew. Whatever this Thing was, it was much bigger and much stronger than me. It was connected to history, ancestry, biology, nature, the great cycle of life, blah blah blah, stuff I had no control over. I did everything I could to stand up to its power, to remain a free woman, to wield my own damned willpower in the face of what felt like insurmountable pressure. I wanted to be a happy stepparent who wasn't contributing to the world's overpopulation problem. I wanted to be "free," and I grew up during the advent of second wave feminism, aware that I, unlike most of my forbears, could choose to have a career, focus on art and writing and music, follow my dreams of education and travel, without getting bogged down by that whole mothering thing. That's what I thought I wanted.
Whatever ran this universe—biology, DNA, evolution, Mother Nature, Father Nature, god, goddess, the Fates, the universe itself—really didn't give a shit what I thought I wanted. It had another plan for me, the same plan that finds 75-80% of humans reproducing, the same plan that keeps termites pumping out tens of thousands of eggs every day.
If you've read the Nymphe blog before, you know that I was not happy. I couldn't kick the grief that accompanied my decision to not-even-try becoming a birth- or adoptive-mother of a baby. I couldn't kick the sensation of regret: that I might regret this my entire life. The sensation of love: a giant wave of overwhelming, cheeseball LUUV that made me want to connect with the world, with history, with family, and with my husband in a very particular way. A procreative way.
And I couldn't kick the sensation that I was very, very tired. Standing in the universe's way, fists raised, refusing to surrender to this deep internal need, sucked a little more life out of me every day. It takes a fuck of a lot of hubris to pull against everything that feels natural and inevitable, but, ya know, I'm no stranger to absurd bouts with pride. I'd tilted at plenty of windmills in my time. What was one more?
Maternal desire turned out to be the gigantic wind turbine that blew me off my warhorse. If I 'won' this battle, what was it, exactly, that I was winning? The bitter reward of knowing I could say 'Fuck You' to the universe, even if it meant stabbing myself in the heart? The classic female reward of pleasing the people I loved, so that they wouldn't have to bear the responsibility or inconvenience of a new child in their midst? The chickenshit reward of not having to radically change my life? The equally chickenshit reward of avoiding risks (any parenting or mentoring of a child is a risky proposition; throw in my panoply of mental and physical disabilities, and the risks grow)? The intangible spiritual fulfillment of getting through something unbearable? That which does not kill me makes me stronger? The intellectual reward of surpassing typical gender programming? Keeping the freedom to la-ti-ta, do whatever the hell I want with my days and months?
These rewards were not enough.
I recently came to terms with what I really want. What I would like and love is to have a baby. But what I really want is to let go of the rock and float downstream. What I really want is to earn a sliver of acceptance and relinquishment; to surrender to that which is bigger than me, more ancient, beyond comprehension, beyond the everyday American business of free will and self-meta-programming.
I didn't want maternal desire to be the bane of my existence anymore; I wanted to accept it. I finally had to say, OK, I don't really have that much control over the deepest parts of myself. I am not the ruler of my limbic system and the reptilian depths of my brain and nervous system. Dealing with the biological clock was like dealing with my bipolar diagnosis in my twenties: it took me years to accept that some things were bigger than me, that much of my body and mind were controlled by chemicals floating around within me.
It took many years, near-ruination of my life, and several suicide attempts to come to terms with bipolar disorder, to accept that Wonderful Me was not in charge of all this. Wonderful Me needed to step aside, try the medications, and learn that maybe being run by a bunch of hormones and neurotransmitters, though it sounded dehumanizing, really wasn't such a bad thing. I just had to get used to the idea.
Now I'm learning to accept that whether it's cultural, personal, or merely hormonal, maternal desire is real, and it's got me by the ovaries. I wanted to step out of the universe's way. If it wanted to grant me a child? That would be fabulous. If not? At least I would no longer be leading a fierce charge against the entirety of nature and the gorgeous, painful yearning within my own body, soul, and mind. My husband agreed. He, too, is a person full of love.
Researchers have noticed age-related distinctions in how and why we experience regret. The young are more likely to regret things they did rather than things they didn’t do. After all, at that stage in life there’s still time to see Australia, climb K2, or write a novel. But as we age, this tendency reverses, and it’s what you didn’t do that stings. When you look back and see all the mountains left unclimbed, the sense of loss can be devastating. (from AARP via The Situationist)
I may look back and regret my choices. I may regret that I didn't insist on having children when I was younger, more fertile, less likely to have miscarriages and birth defects. I may regret that I didn't stay childfree and keep battling, keep fighting, keep seeking comfort and peace on my own weird terms and against all odds. I may regret that I wasn't satisfied with stasis, the status quo, remaining the footloose, fancy-free, childfree Tiffany I had always known. I kind of doubt it. That Tiffany was struck down long ago. I guess this is what they call growing up. I've never been very good at it. I'm a little slow that way.
I don't think I'll regret this decision, however it turns out.
To my childless and childfree sisters, brothers, and others, I send out love and thanks and gratitude and love again. It sometimes feels like a loss or even a betrayal when one of our kind, in the 15-20% minority, crosses over to the dark side, joins the mommy club. "You'll change your mind," people told me a zillion times when I was young and vocal about being childfree. I really fuckin' hate that they were right... but they were. I changed my mind.
I'm pregnant. Pregnant and aware how fortunate I am to be pregnant, when thousands of people must struggle with infertility every day, must tilt at the gods' windmills for other reasons than mine. Pregnant and aware that this isn't the politically and environmentally correct thing to do (as an anti-breeder man recently reminded me a few months back, before casually dropping into the conversation that he had a grown son!). I'm pregnant and aware that the parenting, childed majority carry a great deal of entitlement and privilege in our society, along with the stress, responsibility, and dedication that accompany good parenting. I'm pregnant and thankful.
I'm floating downstream.
I'm happy for your happiness although we will all miss your inspiration. On the R. boards you know me by my screen name, everyone knows me only as a screen name. If you can do it I can do it, I shouldn't have to be shy and shamed for IF!
My DH and I are infertile. There I said it, Alison
Posted by: Alison Carnet | January 22, 2010 at 03:05 PM
it is interesting to read your post and think of some of the negative things that people have urges to do, and yet I expect and want and need them to resist - I'm thinking of rape or pedophile behavior - which I know is a strange place to come from in reaction to pregnancy. I just have a hard time with chalking it up to something that is beyond your free will.
Then again, I am in favor of doing what you want when it does not harm others. Did _you_ change your mind - some of this reads like you are saying you had no control over the choice. There is something in this that reads like, I just couldn't help myself, I didn't choose this, I was just swept away. I guess I have some issues with that - it is such a huge decision, that impacts not just you, but the child and everyone around you, I'd like to think you made a choice and were not just blown over by a wind.
Posted by: debbieann | January 22, 2010 at 10:41 PM
Anyone?
Is there anyone from this blog's readers who can go on with a blog like this? So far I couldn't find anyone like tiffany in the whole fucking internet! someone who doesn#t exclude or judge. someone who#s childless by half-choice. someone who understands. i have followed this blog since almost two years and never dared to contribute. and now it#s all over. is there anyone? I NEED YOU.
Posted by: kd | January 23, 2010 at 05:47 AM
kd ~ well, i had a hard time finding us out there, too. i guess now i need to say, "finding THEM," if my pregnancy works out. i know you're out there, because many of you email me or post comments here, or on other blogs and newspapers online, .... or send me cards in the mail... verbal conversations... the childfree-kinda-by-choice are LEGION. but yeah, how do we find them? maybe YOU start a blog. that's why i started this one: because i couldn't find my voice, my situation, represented out there in the world. (and because i'm a loudmouth, OK.)
so KD, my challenge to you is not to wait for someone else to start a blog. my challenge is that *you* start it, continue the conversation... and if you want to take over this blog, Nymphe? you can have it. i could add you as an author and it would be yours. other authors in similar situations could be added as you wish. and by the way, than kyou for your comment. it means a lot to me, to know that the incredible amounts of effort and research i've put into this---not just as a personal decision in my own life, but as an "issue"---that they helped anybody.
Posted by: magdalen - tiffany | January 23, 2010 at 04:01 PM
debbie ~ there's a lot more behind this choice than i posted about in this one (albeit long) post. you can read this whole blog for a taste of the thought process, and emotional process, that has brought me to where i am. or hey, i can send you my Masters thesis-portfolio, if you want a REALLY long version.
but in the end, that feeling of being heavily influenced by things that aren't part of my intellect? yep, that was the kicker. four years ago, i suddenly felt alienated from nature itself, the basics. flowers bloom, trees drop seeds, bugs lay eggs, and me? well, somehow i went from being just plain me, in harmony with nature, to feeling sick inside, like i'd thrown myself out of nature. i bear responsibility for my eventual choice to stop using birth control, but i won't pretend that my intellect was the driving force behind this choice.
my intellect, deep-inner-nature-whatever-feeling, body-mind, and emotional being were all on the same page about childfree living for many years. no part of me wanted to procreate. when that changed, my intellect/conscious will/logical superego and the rest of me were no longer on the same page. they were at war. inside me. like nukes going off, every day for over four years.
this was, to say the least, extremely unpleasant.
in the case of pedophilia, as you mentioned, there's a good enough reason to keep up that inner war. if i experienced pedophilic tendencies, i would have to be vigilant, right? my intellect-will-superego would have to stay in charge of the whole thing, all the time, because pedophilia is just plain fuckin' wrong and evil.
in the case of maternal desire, there wasn't a good enough reason to keep up the inner war. i was vigilant. i tried everything from mellow meditative qi gong practices to therapy to cultural and political study, trying to move past this desire to have children. my intellect-will-superego did a pretty good job, considering what it was up against. but at the end of the day, i don't consider having children just plain fuckin' wrong and evil. i've never assumed that other people were evil for having kids, though i have always wished that it would be a very *conscious* decision, rather than a cultural *assumption.*
so if having children ain't evil, and i did my best on the inner war, and tore myself up, and tried to sew myself back together, and i came at this thing from 40,000 angles for several years, and studied, and researched, and joined in hundreds of conversations about all this, and did a big art project inspired by the biological clock hit, and incorporated the subject into my masters thesis, and meditated and cried and sought beauty in other aspects of life, and and and... and i *still* felt like i was out-of-step with something Bigger Than Me and my crunchy little intellect-will-superego, i *still* felt like i needed to acquiesce to a need deeper than What I Thought I Wanted...
well, what should i do? keep torturing myself? i could have done that. i'm not sure what the point would be, anymore. creating a life is a bold and presumptuous act. "Born, Never Asked." but as my writing and my work with the Easter Island Project proved over and over, creating *anything* is a bold and presumptuous act. even existing is pretty bold and presumptuous. every day, each of us uses the earth's resources and excretes shit and carbon dioxide and piss. we all take up space on this planet. i used to think, well, if the earth is in bad shape, and not a fun place for people to live, then how rude to bring another life into it! on the other hand, if i took that logic to its extreme, clearly i should end my own life, if i was so hardcore into saving the planet and preventing human suffering.
well, i wasn't that hardcore. i chose to live, myself, and i chose to see whether The Forces Bigger Than Me were interested in my becoming pregnant. apparently they were.
giant rambling post, of course... trying to say that i have control over my *choice*, but i do *not* have control over the forces informing that choice. you say, "I was just swept away." yes, i was just swept away, by a wave---after holding onto a rock, fighting the waves, for four fuckin' years. i did make a choice, but i didn't consciously, intellectually, free-will-illy, *decide* that i wanted the wave to come up and start trying to drag me off.
and that's the important part of what i've learned. i can't fight every wave. and some waves are not worth fighting. they're here to bring us somewhere interesting, scary, beautiful, somewhere we've never been before...
Posted by: magdalen - tiffany | January 23, 2010 at 04:24 PM
Tiffany, are you age 40, is that why you mentioned fear of miscarriage? If so, have you gotten a positive response from your doctor or is he/she saying you are high risk etc.?
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Posted by: Jan | January 24, 2010 at 07:43 AM
Tiffany -- I'm so glad this is working out for you. It sounded like the "no kids" thing was your partner, not you all along.
I say if something's fixable -- fix it.It's not a decision for a lot of people, but fate.
As for apologizing for reproducing -- please! My only thought is -- maybe we shouldn't come out in our mid-twenties with big announcements like, I'm childless by choice and will never have kids, or I'll never marry, o will always be this particular sex orientation. Life goes on for a long time and brings many changes.
I'd also like to add -- not everyone who is childless by choice (sort of) gets hit with the whallop of biological clock and the overhwhelming wave that changes her destiny. I was just talking to a friend now 44 who went through the wrenching decision on marrying at 35 not to have kids with her new husband (who has a daughter, but was willing to have another with her). She knew it was not right for them as a couple, or for her as a person, and is totally and utterly happy with her decision and life. The only thing she's not happy with is listening to her girlfriends go on and on about the issue.
I say when the wave comes, get swept away. Unfortunately, when this happened to me my prayers weren't answered by biology, medicine or adoption -- but I totally get the wave. Luckily I've found other ways of feeling connected to the stream of life -- they're just not genetic.
Posted by: Christina | January 24, 2010 at 01:51 PM
dear tiffany - you’re totally right with suggesting to start an own blog. I know that my earlier post sounds a bit dependent, whiny, demanding... well, maybe that was how I felt. usually , I am not waiting for others to do the things I want. and of course it occured to me that I am exactly one of those who could/should start a blog of their own. but the thing is, I don’t think I can or want to face the „baby-issues“ that intensely. despite knowing that I should be in contact with my feelings as much as possible (ooh, psycho-bla-bla...), I can’t let it be too big a topic. I’m not there yet. nevertheless, I want to thank you so much for even offering your blog to me! But I guess I am (yet) more of a secret watcher. well, not secret anymore, since I finally sent word.
so sorry, that my first words were not “congratulations, I’m so happy for you“. Sometimes I think, this is the worst. That I cannot really be happy for others, not even (or especially) close friends, when they get pregnant. I can somehow „see“ that feeling (that happiness and delight), or „know“ that it is there deep down, I kinda „half-feel“ it. But I can’t actually feel it, I can’t connect. It‘s quite scary and incredibly sad.
but I sound whiny again.. and actually I shouldn’t be writing that last bit to you. you should enjoy your pregnancy without feeling sorry for anyone (and from what I have read you feel a lot for others).
Congratulations (like, totally!)! I’m happy for you (deep down..)
Posted by: kd | January 25, 2010 at 08:49 AM
Congratulations, Tiffany. I'm glad that whatever obstacles to motherhood existed for you have been cleared away. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy & a wonderful life with your baby. : )
Posted by: loribeth | January 25, 2010 at 11:01 AM
hi kd ~ i didn't think it whiny, i was frankly flattered and inspired. you have a good point about not wanting to wade right into this issue, wade deep. "I can't let it be too big a topic," you said. well, obviously, that's what i did, and it had its problems.
one of those "problems" was that the constant soul-searching led me to the realization that for me, personally, i wasn't Doing The Right Thing by remaining a CSM (childless stepmom). as happy as i am with getting out of that grief and that horrible feeling of not doing the right thing, it's not how i expected this story to go.
going deep was really HEAVY,especially how often i put myself in charged emotional situations by initiating conversations about the issue. i can see now why this issue is often silent or floating in secret below the public radar. i can also see why authors like Madelyn Cain are so valuable in this: she was involuntarily childless (infertile), but after eventually having a child she continued researching and advocating for the childless and childfree. before now, i liked her simply because no outsiders could accuse her of having sour grapes or not understanding how hard life is for parents. she could've abandoned the whole issue because she crossed over to parenthood, and she chose to keep up the good work on behalf of the childless/childfree.
now i can see another angle to it. people actively experiencing the pain and grief of this stuff, like you, don't want to immerse themselves in the issue and many don't want the subject discussed around them at all -- maybe on internet support boards, but not to friends, certainly not as a public lightning rod. it brings up emotional triggers all the time. it's really been hard, it's tested my strength and resolve and courage. sooooo.... now i see why no one wants to do it!
coming back to madelyn cain, i appreciate now that her book The Childless Revolution is probably a much better work because she can take a step back from her personal triggers and her personal investment in the issue. maybe i can be of use to this social movement even after deciding to try to become childed? i don't know.
Posted by: magdalen - tiffany | January 25, 2010 at 12:45 PM
loribeth & kd ~ thank you for the congratulations. kd, i of all people hear ya on the weirdness around hearing about other people's pregnancies. don't feel bad about your feelings. they're real and legit. again, this is the kind of thing i wish 'outsiders' to this issue could understand: that when we can't participate in the world's gigantic, neverending celebration of pregnancy, motherhood, birth, baby showers, etc etc etc etc, it is not because we're somehow bad people, or "just jealous." it's FUCKING DEEP and we-you-they shouldn't be judged for it. people really don't get it.
it's OK. maybe i'm the only newly pregnant chick on the planet who thinks this? but i don't think everyone has to be happy for me. most people in my community are very happy for me, but i also have some infertile friends who are having to ease off or stop our friendship for now. it makes me sad, but i totally understand and i'll be here for them when they reach a different stage in their grief, in their life, in their hormones, and want to talk to me again.
even some people not in that situation aren't super happy about where i am with this. again, it's saddening to me, but too bad! we've set up this societal expectation that everyone should dance a jig whenever someone gets pregnant. well, someone probably gets pregnant every thirty seconds.
i appreciate happy congratulations, but i'm not making any assumptions or demands. motherhood is sacred, sure. *so is notmotherhood.*
Posted by: magdalen - tiffany | January 25, 2010 at 12:51 PM
I always find it hard to say congratulations when someone I know announces their pregnancy. Nobody congratulates me on my choice to NOT get pregnant (except you in these posts) That said, I truly appreciate how much thought and effort went into your decision to get pregnant. If even a small percentage of the population put in a small percentage of your thoughtfulness into the decision we'd all be better off. Best wishes for health and happiness.
Posted by: Tracy | January 29, 2010 at 08:44 AM
Your e-mail won't working now. Mail delivery sybsystem. Can you put me on your list for buying your book. We meet in Lima.
-rg
Posted by: rg | April 23, 2010 at 03:41 PM
You were never childfree, you were a breeder in training. And now you want the world to kowtow to your wisdom because of a fleeting hormonal rush of "luuuvvvv"?
I'll come back to your blog in five years, where Karnac the Magnificent predicts that your husband will be gone, your toddler an insufferable demon and you will be wishing you had stayed on the fence. Because real life is not romantic and full of "luvvv"
Posted by: Karnac | September 06, 2010 at 06:11 AM
karnac, i was blissfully childfree for 35 years before the biological clock and life and a beautiful stepdaughter started chipping away at the solidity of my childfreeness.
"childfree" is not a life sentence. it's not a state of being that has to remain static for eternity. i had assumed mine would remain static, and hey, whaddya know? i was wrong. this doesn't wipe out my entire history and the childfree identity that went along with it.
ever met someone who thought they were solidly, 100% gay and then found themselves hooking up with a member of the opposite sex? ever met a woman who was solidly heterosexual and fell in love with another woman at age 60? ever met a hardcore careerwoman, successful attorney, who assumed that was her permanent identity and source of meaning in her life --- and then quit at age 50 and now works at a nursery school?
i have.
and i wouldn't accuse them of not having been hetero, or gay, or tell them they weren't REALLY an attorney.
i'm not sure why you'd want to denigrate someone else's life experiences and identity, even though they changed over time... unless you're feeling threatened about your own identity. you have nothing to fear from a childfree person who ends up being childed and is, therefore, no longer childfree.
if that threatens you, maybe you're scared YOU'll change. you probably will change in many ways throughout your life; it'd be pretty sucky, not to mention incredibly boring, to just stay exactly the same forever. if you change from a musician to a novelist, i hope no one will accuse you of never having been a musician in the first place. if you change from an angry person to a mellow one, i hope no one will try to convince you that your anger wasn't real and justified, even if you no longer feel angry.
nor do i give a flying fuck if the world "kowtows to my wisdom." i'm just a freakin' blogger, and i think this blog proves pretty clearly that i am sorely lacking in the wisdom department. biological motherhood will change my personal relationships, my toddler will probably be insufferable (are any not?), and i'm sure i'll have moments of going, "sheesh, this life is a LOT harder than my old childfree one."
this is standard-issue stuff for major life decisions. sometimes it looks like we chose a stupid or difficult path when we could've cruised along easily--- of course, we never know what would *really* have happened on the other paths we did not take. i could've stayed childfree and that choice would've left me free to pursue that Ph.D. at a European college, but my plane to Europe could've nose-dived into the Atlantic. somewhere in some quantum parallel universe, that possibility may be playing out right now.
what's interesting is this: why would you, a stranger (or alleged one), take pleasure in wishing ill on me, hoping that husbands and toddlers and luvvv don't work out?
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 06, 2010 at 11:45 AM
Because Karnac is a bitter asshole with nothing better to do?
Posted by: assala2 | September 06, 2010 at 12:25 PM
we don't know that. he or she has posted other random stuff around this blog today-- i'm guessing someone with Issues and reading my long blithering story must've triggered his/her shit.
you can't really say *anything* about childless, childfree, parenting, infertility, fertility, adoption, step-parenting, mind-changing, mommy wars, etc stuff without someone getting bent out of shape. the triggers are all right on the surface. here on Nymphe i don't get that much shit about it, but elsewhere (yes especially online... sigh) i've been totally reamed for daring to change my mind or daring to engage in conversations about these issues.
what i've learned is: stuff changes, and people are on a hair-trigger about ALL of this. it would really help if we as a culture got our shit together in terms of truly accepting, helping, and understanding the large minority in our midst who are non-breeders, whatever their reasons might be.
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 06, 2010 at 12:36 PM
"'Childfree' is not a life sentence."
No, it's not. Neither is it a "chickenshit reward of not having to radically change my life." That's what pissed off Karnac and it pisses me off, too. So judgmental about others not doing what you claim is a personal decision.
Nature kicks in precisely because nature has no "plan." The reasons hormones "take over" is due to the fact that until historically recently, most children any woman bore died. It is only in the last century that prenatal care has all but assured the survival of all children born. So like sugar and fat becoming maladaptive to a modern sedentary existence, baby rabies is filling up a crowded planet. Well, no one wants to diet and no one wants to kick their baby addiction, either. But call it what it is.
Posted by: Svetlana | September 07, 2010 at 11:02 AM
did i say that anyone else was chickenshit? no! dude, just READ WHAT I SAID and stop projecting some imaginary judgmentalism onto it.
*i* had a giant bioclock attack. *i* found myself changing radically. *i* was clinging to an old belief that didn't work for me anymore; *i* decided to stop clinging to it. *i* was being chickenshit because for me, change is really fucking difficult, and i did not want to change something this huge about me, my life, my beliefs, and my identity. for *me*, in my personal little life, not allowing for the possibility of this gigantic change became a chickenshit move.
most of my friends are childfree. i doubt most of them will turn into mindchangers like i ended up doing. i love them; i'm not calling them chickenshit. nor am i calling you chickenshit.
if someone said to you, "I stayed in the closet for 20 years because i was afraid, but now i need to be honest about my sexuality", would you assume they were calling YOU a closeted homosexual or calling YOU afraid? that they were being "so judgmental"? if someone told the story of having their liver transplanted, would you decide that it was all about judging YOU and YOUR liver? i really hope not. so don't project that stuff on my story, either.
childfree people in this society get the short end of the stick. maybe that makes formerly-us, now-you, sometimes want to assume all personal stories are attacks on childfree living. it's just not true all the time. i loved being childfree. i think it's a politically/socially excellent choice, too. i advocate for the rights of the childless and childfree, though it is still an unpopular position. you say i'm "so judgmental" -- about who? you? you think i'm judging you? i don't even know you!
when i write about *my own chickenshitness* i'm writing about ME. which is the right of every self-absorbed blogger, right?
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 07, 2010 at 12:11 PM
I found your blog while researching my own feelings...googling "why did I change my mind about having kids" in a frustrated frame of mind doesn't really provide a lot of answers but it does carve out more features on the "I Am Not Alone" totempole. I was a staunch anti-pregnant/raise child/reap awards of nothing/die alone woman myself. Then I met a man, got married...and the answers are blowin' in the wind... (Thanks Dylan) and those winds are from a gusting, fierce hurricane named "Biology" and she is a right bitch.
Now my big problem is that I've changed my mind, but my husband didn't and he isn't likely to change his. Biological hurricanes skip The Coast of Men it seems. And we had the conversation before marriage about kids so it's all on me.
Now I am trying to reconcile my biological urges which make me into a slave, and I resent them, but they are what they are and I can't help them. It seems silly to me to leave a man who is a dream come true for a human being that doesn't even exist. And I don't want a child with a man who 'gave in' for me. That's not fair either.
So Tiffany how did you husband come to accepting your 180? I could try to mislead and say that I'm not trying to figure out ways to change his mind but that would be a lie. My motivations are entirely suspect and my wishfull thinking overrides my sense of logic. Thanks...
Posted by: Annie | September 13, 2010 at 05:05 PM
annie ~
eek. well, i hear ya. loud and clear. it's a fucked-up situation, no getting around it. i'm not sure how detailed i can get without feeling like i'm stepping on my husband's story, which is his to tell or keep private, you know? he accepts that i'm a writer and that parts of our story on this have been very public in performances and published writings, but i don't usually go into a whole bunch of detail on our relationship.
i will say that i had a mental health professional tell me, "I rarely say this to a couple, but you are in a lose-lose situation." in other words, the usual counselingish rules don't apply because there is no third way, there is no compromise possible. having a baby is binary: you either have one, or you don't.
OK i'm going to think a little and post some more. you know, to make you "kowtow to my wisdom" and stuff. (ha.)
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 14, 2010 at 12:18 PM
"Now my big problem is that I've changed my mind, but my husband didn't and he isn't likely to change his. Biological hurricanes skip The Coast of Men it seems. And we had the conversation before marriage about kids so it's all on me."
on this part i'll just say - i'm sorry, i empathize, i sympathize, and yeah, you're not alone. my husband and i discussed kids very early on. i'd never wanted any, he already had one and didn't expect to have more, so nothing to worry about.
what there is to worry about in any relationship: things change. people change. i can't believe how painful and extravagant this whole bioclock-etc process had to be, for me to *truly* understand this basic nature of change. not just intellectually, but all throughout me.
your husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow. now, that wouldn't be fair, would it? because you didn't sign up to spend your life with this paralyzed guy! HE CHANGED, god damn it. so, that would give you the right, the decency, and the prerogative to get the fuck out of this changed, charged, and difficult situation. would you leave him?
now imagine that the biological clock is a bus.
it sounds like, with your experience, you already know that the bioclock is a bus. a big, stinky, powerful diesel one. OK, it ran you over. or -- maybe it picked you up by the roadside when you weren't even thinking you wanted to take a ride anywhere.
- - - - -
so that ended up being rather dramatic.
what about other kinds of change? you get married at, let's say 32 years of age after finishing your doctorate degree. you imagine how great it's going to be, living in Santa Barbara and teaching sociology at UC, taking loads of sabbaticals and taking many teaching opportunities abroad over the years, because you are a travel fanatic and so is your husband.
he agrees to move to Santa Barbara, even though advancing his career would require staying in a big city, maybe big ugly cities like Cleveland are the only ones that really support his industry. but he says, screw it, i love this woman and once she has tenure it'll rock, and i love travel as well.
the economy tanks and tenure is hard to get and you find yourself increasingly burned out. academia, you realize, is a horrible gerbil wheel, and you're publishing nonsensical crap filled with five-dollar words that will only be read by other sociologists... you realize that this job sucks. that you're not going to change the world this way. you go,"Crap, i didn't even know i cared about changing the world, really!" but , now 38 years old, you have changed. you have a burning desire to help people hands-on. and you hate academia.
you CHANGED.
you thought you knew what you wanted in your life.
you were WRONG.
and your husband sacrificed to help you get what you thought you wanted!
what now? should you stay at UC Santa Barbara, doing a job you hate, for the rest of your life?
- - -
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 14, 2010 at 12:29 PM
"Now I am trying to reconcile my biological urges which make me into a slave, and I resent them, but they are what they are and I can't help them."
i can just hear the collective animosity of people who've never experienced this thing on a huge scale, ready to attack. that's another thing i've learned throughout all this: people just HATE to hear that someone else is being influenced heavily by something illogical! and you know what? some of us who experience it HATE it, too. i mean, really. aren't we supposed to have more *control* over our lives than this?? isn't rationality supposed to save us from this??
the reconciliation with the bio-urges (and, i think, the mess of non-bio things that goes with them - it's not *only* my reptilian brain, survival circuit that demanded a child, but also my limbic system, and other stuff within me) (but that's just me) ... uh... OK, so doing the reconciliation dance with this has been for me extremely important. it ended up requirigin a complete meltdown of my beliefs, a deconstruction and reassembling of my identity, and years of philosophical inquiry. just like any other mid-life crisis!
but what an amazing process it's been. horrific and painful and bizarre, like most of life's more thorough learning times / teachable moments / epiphanies / wrestlings-with-angels... but amazing. i like your choice of the word "reconciling." reconcile...accept... work with... dance with... deal with... i mostly just RESISTED the motherfucker, for a really long time. i didn't want to be what you call "a slave," and that wasn't just about babies. that was about [[[ control ]]].
i did not want to reconcile myself to any forces beyond my control, because hey, i have a problem with authority. i don't want the government, the cops, a boss at a straight job, or my mom telling me what to do. i don't want to believe in fate or god, despite my dalliances with new ageyness.
and this became the center of a major existential, spiritual, and creative crisis for me. the bioclock is just one little piece of that process, one with immense repercussions on *everything*. but i had to reconcile. i had to, in the face of this crazy-huge evidence (even though it is evidence that only *i* can feel and experience, so outsiders might think it's not real enough). I AM NOT IN CONTROL. i used to ask, why isn't there a pill to override the bioclock, or at least its hormonal aspects? but there isn't. i am in control of many of my actions, but i am not in control of whether the biological clock strikes me. i am in control of whether i leave my husband or stop using birth control or whatever, but i cannot claim to run the whole show: *i* didn't invite the bioclock to come in and start messin' with my mind and body.
that's just truth.
there are things bigger than me. things more powerful. things i don't understand. things that influence my mind and body and soul and life, every day. presidents that drag me into hateful wars. human natures that cause people to attack and violate other people, sometimes me. laws of nature that make earthquakes and tsunamis kill thousands of people. and chemicals that rule, far more than i would like to admit, my moods and desires.
is this what god is?
i dunno. i do know that this process of reconciliation has been humbling beyond all belief. of course i want to be a rational, clever modern woman in control of everything! sheesh! and i am not. that is such a beautiful thing to come to terms with. horrible, impossible, angering, life-shattering, and beautiful. i finally understand what folks in Alcoholic Anonymous talk about, when they're handing shit over to their Higher Power. that Higher Power doesn't have to be "god," it just has to be an acknowledgement that they --- that we --- are little ants crawling around on the surface of a big planet in a much more enormous universe. that's all we are. and in order to accept that universe and to really be able to enjoy its splendor, i had to admit it: i'm a fuckin' ANT, crawling along the sand with my miniature bread crumb! i do not control the world or even my own place in that world!
there is relief in this admission, in this reconciliation. even through the resentment about being a slave, the relief and beauty started to shine through over time, for me. relinquishing and surrendering all my bullshit intellectual high-horse control crap was weirdly satisfying once i was able to do it. (or i guess it's continual - sometimes i do it, sometimes i don't, sometimes i'm resentful, sometimes not). i only know one word for the part of life that felt most fundamentally affected by this change. it's the kind of word that makes me roll my eyes, but it will have to do: SPIRITUAL.
that reconciliation became, for me, a spiritual process. a realignment with the universe. i suspect i needed one of those, and the bioclock was just the messenger, the carrier, the thing that struck me down sooo hard i finally did something about these other issues underlying. for someone else, it may come in some other form: the death of a loved one, the experiencing of a traumatic situation, or a gradual change that forces them to confront their controlling, arrogant, presumptuous selfhood. it's a shocking thing, going through that.
it's a shocking thing to change your mind.
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 14, 2010 at 12:55 PM
so that's my rant on reconciliation. for me, it was a separate issue from all the practical issues surrounding having a child. i couldn't reconcile with the biological clock itself, with the idea that i wasn't running the show, without separating it from the other issues. me-and-reconciliation needed to have our time together, and i needed to carefully extricate that from the litany i kept repeating to myself: "Can't have a baby... physical health is too messed up... mental health problematic... husband didn't plan or want to go this road... Can't have a baby... physical health is too..."
what of the practical issues, then? they still needed to be dealt with. still DO need to be dealt with, as i sit here 11 days overdue with this baby. will my messed-up arms not allow me to hold the baby properly? that's likely. will i adapt, as disabled parents always have? i'm thinkin' yet. meanwhile, during the biocllock attack, i did manage to get my fibromyalgia under MUCH better management than i have since i was first injured in the mid 1990s. i also switched bipolar meds to something that works better for me. etc etc.
my sociopolitical issues didn't change. i still think overpopulation is a problem. i still think the pronatalist culture we live in jacks over the childless and childfree. but, just like i sometimes buy shoes and computers made in China, just like i still drive a car despite environmental problems, the sociopolitical angle doesn't always inform my final actions. sometimes i'm politically correct. sometimes i'm not.
the big "practical issue" remaining was my relationship with my husband.
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 14, 2010 at 01:02 PM
annie, now i'm gonna try to deal with that whole thing.
"It seems silly to me to leave a man who is a dream come true for a human being that doesn't even exist. And I don't want a child with a man who 'gave in' for me. That's not fair either.
So Tiffany how did you husband come to accepting your 180? I could try to mislead and say that I'm not trying to figure out ways to change his mind but that would be a lie. My motivations are entirely suspect and my wishfull thinking overrides my sense of logic. Thanks..."
i notice some things in there. words. SILLY. "human being that doesn't exist." FAIR. "change." WISHFUL THINKING. and the grande dame, "sense of logic." i will say that what i've been through* hinged on notions and words like those. see reconciliation, above. for those of us who value rational thought, smarts, and like to think we're commanding our own impressive ships of fate, this stuff is completely silly, unfair, wishful, anti-logic.
well, i would consider this: so is LOVE.
love, the thing that makes you want to stay with this awesome husband. love may also be the thing that makes you not want to ask your husband for such a huge change and sacrifice in life. love is silly, unfair, wishful thinking. it is beyond our "sense of logic." that's part of what makes it special: in this unsilly society where we wishfully think things are (or at least ought to be) logical and fair to a fault, we nevertheless allow ourselves and our fellow humans the capricious, absurd, illogical, and sometimes downright insane shenanigans of LOVE.
romantic love that makes you insist your partner's jokes are funny, when everyone else can see she's a bore. filial love that makes you hold your mom's hand on her deathbed, even though she was a rotten mother when you were little. misguided passion that makes your best friend date shitty dude after shitty dude for an entire decade; friendlove, one of my fiercest senses of love, that makes me want to help her through those breakups even if i think she's being stupid and illogical. love for my kitty cats. love for all the people in my art community. it is not logical. it's mushy and nonsensical and often contradictory. it doesn't follow straight lines. it doesn't make sense. kinda like that bioclock, kinda.
yet we tend to give each other a bit of slack when Love comes into the picture. we watch movies about it, stage Shakespeare plays, write bad poetry... because part of what's *cool* about love is that it is bigger and weirder than us. we know we can't really control everything about whom we love, who we'd die for, who makes our hearts go pit-a-pat. it's exciting that something is beyond our logic. that we'd do something absurd like get married and promise to spend OUR ENTIRE LIVES with some other human. it's a leap of faith. it's appealing!
*note: this is MY process, what *i* learned, and i may change my mind about it tomorrow. i'm not saying anyone or everyone else will go through it, or has gone through it, or that my process is better than theirs, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Posted by: magdalen-tiffany | September 14, 2010 at 01:19 PM