THE REFERENDUM

Which lifestyle to choose? Kids to have or not have? Marriage to pursue or singlehood to live? Why so much snark, jealousy, and bitterness between "the referendums" of people who've chosen their various paths—especially when they hit middle age?

Tim Kreider's excellent, poignant essay on the subject, and some surprisingly intelligent, cogent comments*, make for great reading on the NY Times website. 

*"Surprising" given some of the idiotic, bizarre, hateful, and vitriolic comments I've seen on that site. Maybe Kreider is given a break because he's male? Or maybe it was the word "infertility" that sent NY Times blog posters into a foaming-at-the-mouth, disgusting comment-frenzy last year...

Comments

[Christina]

I was also intrigued by this piece -- but as a former New Yorker familiar with the type, saw it in a slightly different context.

The author is a successful, apparently prospering professional artist in New York. These are pretty rare -- people who actually live off their art, not a trust-fund or well-earning spouse plus art. Having a few such friends, I find it usually happens -- with men -- because they have been so focussed on their goal that they are very, very picky about letting people of the opposite sex into their lives for the eventual purpose of reproduction.

Almost the only successful, self-made male journalists and writers I know in New York couldn't expand their lives to include partner plus family. So I read the writer as a familiar type. I do know a few guys like that who married at 45-50 -- when they're finally financially secure -- or want to and can't get a young woman interested. I know many more artists who've married and reproduced younger with disastrous results.

I think the positive response had to do with the fact that the writer presented himself as being one of these not quite grown up men with a somewhat empty personal life. Which made the parents who read and posted feel superior.

Whereas so many middle aged childless people I know -- have more serious reasons for being childless -- like lack of money, having to take care of their parents, health issues, infertility, or marrying someone who refused to have more kids -- the parents don't know how to respond to such people.

As for infertility -- maybe people hate what they fear, and hence post nasty comments -- as with a recent Motherlode piece by a woman who went through the IVF mill, decided adoption wasn't for her, and had the gall (according to commentators) to have feelings about it.

Whereas the man presented himself as the Peter Pan stereotype that parents love to uphold.

This post gave people with kids the chance to harp on how wonderful and meaningful their lives are, and how it made them better people. But when I read this -- as a childless person -- all I could think of was how I observed parents as being whiney, self-obsessed, complaining, and immature. They see themselves one way, but the face they present to the world is the exact opposite. Or maybe they give their best to their children -- and have no manners or compassion left for the rest of society.

I think children are lovely and I certainly don't see them in the negative light this writer did. But his describing them as annoying creatures made the parents who read this and posted feel smug.

[magdalen - tiffany]

i was interested in a few things: 1) compared to other stuff i read, and other comment threads i follow in mainstream media websites, i thought these folks were reasonable. there were only a few high-n-mighty annoying parents, only a few childfree-is-always-better comments. most of it was heartfelt; at least, i didn't read it as smug, personally.

2) was this true because a man wrote it? usually these articles are by and/or about women. ?

3) what WONDERFUL comments from the older people! many commenters identified themselves by their ages. i got this awesome feeling that a few people regretted their lives and felt lonely, but the vast majority seemed to appreciate that you can "have many lives" just not live 'em all at once; that you end up accepting and appreciating your life whatever happens to be in it; etc.

sounds a hell of a lot better than the stressed-out, freaked-out weeping festival of "deciding" about children. "deciding" whether or not to have that 54th round of IVF, "deciding" whether to leave your family, "deciding" not to be a solo parent on donor sperm, "deciding" to be sensible about your medical conditions, etc. ANY indication that i'll continue to weather this phase of life, and continue to improve with it, makes me really freakin' happy. that i'll come out the other side.

[Christina]

Yes -- I agree -- I appluad the generally sensible tone. I'm hoping it's an indication that there's going to be a sea change on this issue.