THE GRIEVING CHILDLESS: ARE WE FROM ANOTHER PLANET?

i'm beginning to think that whatever anyone says about childlessness-related grief (whether they are childless/childfree by some choice of their own, like me, or infertile), no one is going to understand except people who've gone through it. it's like explaining an orgasm to someone who's never had one, or hunger to someone who's never wanted food. it probably sounds like those of us experiencing this grief are from another planet.

the above is part of an exchange i had with a commenter named Sarah. i thought her questions were interesting... if you click "continue", you can read the conversation.

Sarah's comment:

I'm having a hard time understanding and I'm trying to figure out why.

It seems like you are deeply in pain because you don't want to want a child.

I'm childfree and very happily. I see pregnant people and think about how nice it is for them, I hope, and glad as hell it isn't me.

Its not because I'm young, either.  You are not too much older than I am. 

So,  I find you fascinating,  and your talk about the grief over the child that never was interesting.

In my mind, I'm thinking, what a huge waste of time and thought power devoted to being obsessed about not wanting to want a child but actually wanting a child, but fighting yourself. I'm sorry, that's not compassionate, but I'd like to make this comment for other people who may think the same thing.

I am vital, lovely, and I'm not a mother. I am nurturing, but so is my dog (who has no children) and so is my husband (who also has no children). Why does the nurturing ability of any human being have to be devoted to a child? Why does the body? Why do we say the body mourns in middle age with no children. Mine doesn't seem to care and I daresay if she'd thank me for not having the damage a life of voluntary servitude that mothering can be.

So, thank you for your words, but I thought I'd get another viewpoint out there. Not all women have to mourn for the children that never were. Some could frankly care less.

Posted by: Sarah | August 23, 2008 at 08:49 PM

 

hi there sarah ~ thanks for your careful/thoughtful comment. i think many women's bodies don't care at all whether they have children. i was always one of those women and i very much miss being one. i don't believe that the nurturing ability of any human being has to be devoted to a child, much less a biological child, and i have never meant to imply that.

what i've been blogging about here is my own experience, and notes based on conversations with other women going through similar experiences. it's not that anyone else "should" have a baby or "should" experience this grief or get knocked sideways by the biological imperative. i envy those of you who avoid the whole thing. i like nurturing my stepdaughter, my cats, my friends. i'm not sure the thing i'm going through is really about nurture. the biological clock is literally a force of nature. i've never experienced anything like it.

i'm beginning to think that whatever anyone says about this phenomenon (whether they are childless/childfree by some choice of their own, like me, or infertile), no one is going to understand except people who've gone through it. it's like explaining an orgasm to someone who's never had one, or hunger to someone who's never wanted food. it probably sounds like those of us experiencing this grief are from another planet.

many people, especially online, choose to simply attack the people experiencing grief over childlessness because they don't understand. it's really freakin' out of hand. i've seen this in many comments to articles such as a recent NY Times video interview with four infertile women. it seems like this whole issue riles people up instantly. "how DARE you feel that much grief?" "how DARE you have that much longing?" "you fucking selfish piece of shit for having infertility treatments!" "buck up and move on with your life!" in a way it's fascinating. the violence and denial of many people's reactions makes me curious: what the hell is up with them that they have to shred women who want babies? it seems to be something beyond lack of empathy, beyond a naturally cruel character. this issue is pressing people's buttons and making them react like rabid dogs. anyway, thanks for expressing your opinion without attacking.

i agree that it's sad to want a biological child and not have one. however, it is not "a huge waste of time." going through grief is never a huge waste of time, even if other people don't understand it. it's part of life, of movement, of growth, and it's part of change. when that dog you love dies, you will experience grief and i for one will not judge you for that grief.

you say, "Not all women have to mourn for the children that never were." that's great! women who don't have that grief should party on. i would just say that "Not all women get to go through life without mourning for children that never were." bummer for us. we'll learn something from it, i'm pretty sure.

Comments

[Ginger Phillips]

I am devestated by this subject every day. It is the end to my longest heartfelt dream to be a Mom. I wish I didnt suffer this grief but I cry and wish I was dead sometimes it is so painfull. I see kids and their Moms at the store and choke back tears. I dont want to be pathetic I just am HURTING SO BAD! If someone could take out my emotions take them out of my body, mind and soul that seems the only way it will ever stop! I dont have 30,000.00 to freeze my eggs. I dont have a spouse so adoption forget it. I always loved kids and always will. It just seems the things that we love hurt us the most. What can I learn from this pain is this, sometimes when a dream dies it is like a real death and we need to reinvent ourselves. Being a mother is all I wanted so I now must learn to find something else about myself that can be just as fullfilling. BUT WHAT? Everything else seems so insignificant to bringing a life into the world. I am a nurse I save lives every day but it still doesnt compare. I love Jesus that holds me together but I feel I am just waiting for the day when I have no more pain and go to heaven. That is not living it is waiting to die. The greif process for death is DABDA Denial, Anger, Bargaining (with God), Denial again, and finally Acceptance. For anyone that feels this way God help you in your journey thru grief and I hope after acceptance you and I find Happiness in something new.
Ginger (not ashamed of my grief it is normal)

[magdalen]

ginger ~ thank you for sharing what you're going through with us, even though it hurts, hurts, hurts.

"Everything else seems so insignificant to bringing a life into the world." i really relate to that. i considered it a major crisis of meaning, of philosophy, of existential dread, when that thought and feeling kept eating at me. you have spent your life in service to people through health care. i have spent my life in service to (or indulgence of) the creative spirit, arts, writing, and the creative community.

staring down the idea that our work -- the patients we've healed, the books we've written -- are pathetic compared to the incredible act of becoming a biological parent... well, it spun me into a major, major depression that piled onto my grief. ultimately, i think it was good. i had to go through it. for me, what floated to the surface is creation itself. for you it appears to be religion. in any case, we have to find meaning for ourselves.

and so do mothers. i've noticed that many young moms i know have fallen apart and experienced similar ephiphanies and transformations --- it's like bearing a child or *not* bearing a child forces us to confront our deepest, most basic reasons for living.

and i know it doesn't matter how many people tell us we are meaningful. "oh, but you SAVE LIVES! every day! multiple lives!" someone might say. or "this artistic creation of yours made me reconsider suicide and decide to pursue art instead." whoah. we do worthy, meaningful things in the world. when in the grip of maternal desire, the generative urge, the biological clock, and the grief, i don't think we can be expected to see ourselves that way. i think we just have to grieve and cope and see where we end up. we find meaning not just in babyhood or motherhood. i guess it just takes time. i had to question everything in my life, question whether it was "significant" as you put it. it may not be as significant as bringing a new life into the world; i don't know. it is, nevertheless, what i *do.* it is the thing i have got, the thing i can offer. and so i will do it and i will offer it.

to me., this process isn't the normal DABDA one you describe. when people die, we grieve them. when we don't give birth, but the possibility (however irrational) of giving birth lingers in our body, our minds, our souls, it's a different thing. we make the decision every single day -- not to adopt despite being single, not to run away from our husbands and get pregnant by some random stranger, not to steal $30,000 worth of diamonds from a jewelry store to fund IVF treatment. part of us knows that we are continually making these decisions. it makes it that much harder to get to Acceptance and stay there. we're not grieving a dead person (though you may be grieving the vision of yourself as a mom). people live and die. they don't come back. we're grieving something and someone who never existed... who we might occasionally think *could* still exist.

all my best to you in this incredibly tough journey. if you should remember to come back and tell us how things work out for you in six months or a year, i would like to hear that story...

also, please email me at easterislandproject (at) gmail.com if you would like to be part of an art project i'm doing that was inspired by dealing with childlessness. you can be part of it anonymously, or by name, or in many many ways.

-tiffany

[Lisa]

Wow - I thought I was the only one. The gut-wrenching grief you mention is shared. I avoid family functions and all of my girlfriends are all Moms. My one close friend who never wanted children and then met someone who did and concieved without any problems. I feel so resentful towards her and cheated since I always wanted a family and she was indifferent and now has a healthy beautiful child. I feel like moving to the moon.

Thanks for listening.

[magdalen]

thanks for posting.... you are heard and you are not alone... if you're on the moon, a lot of us are there with you.

[czuplift]

It is so nice to hear from others who are grieving being childless. Everything you all say - about mourning, about feeling insignificant outside of motherhood, about everyone else around you being a mom - rings totally true. Unfortunately I tend to eat to comfort myself, which isn't helping, of course. So being infertile with a food addiction can really get to you at times, you know? Ugh.