NYMPHE: Living Childless & Child-free

CHILDLESS/CHILDFREE BOOKS REVIEWED

I've written up mini-reviews of various books on childlessness, childfree living, and infertility. Check them out here.

WHEN IS BLOOD A MISCARRIAGE?

Alicia Shvarts caused a veritable shytestorm at Yale with a performance art piece that dealt with repeated, self-induced, so-called miscarriages.

The Associated Press reports that the work was an intentional hoax here. The Yale newspaper published the artist's explanation here.

A quote from Shvarts: "...it is a myth that ovaries and a uterus are “meant” to birth a child. When considering my own bodily form, I recognize its potential as extending beyond its ability to participate in a normative function. While my organs are capable of engaging with the narrative of reproduction — the time-based linkage of discrete events from conception to birth — the realm of capability extends beyond the bounds of that specific narrative chain."

KIDS IN RESTAURANTS, IN THE NEWS IN OREGON

KOIN-TV in Portland, Oregon, reports that a restaurant in Silverton, Oregon, has posted a sign demanding that children behave, and that no children over 6 may dine at the establishment any more. The reporter notes with astonishment that this is "not illegal" at the State level. i can't find a URL for this.

GRIEF ABOUT CHILDLESSNESS? THE SOLUTION:

The solution, as any parent can tell you, is to get involved with someone else's children. AGH.

A childless woman feels uncomfortable and left out when all the women at her regular breakfast event discuss their children and grandchildren at length. Advice columnist Carolyn Hax recommends that the childless woman volunteer with children in need. Read it here (scroll down to second question): washingtonpost.com. To email Carolyn with your thoughts on this issue: tellme@washpost.com.

"Volunteer with Children in Need"

...and other sage advice to the childless from parents.

Today, Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for a syndicated column "Tell Me About It," originating at the Washington Post, printed a letter from a woman who was unable to have children. This woman finds it very difficult to sit through events with women who talk on and on about their kids and grandkids. Hax's advice was that the childless woman should take interest in other people's kids, and "start volunteering your time with children in need."

Holy crap, am I sick of this approach! I wrote in a long letter about ending the silence around childlessness, and about using "selective avoidance" as a way to limit one's grief --- and take control of the situation. The letter follows, for anyone who might be interested.

MADELYN CAIN: THE CHILDLESS REVOLUTION

If you're looking for the standard-issue indignant stance on childfree living, you won't find it here. Nor will you find the sorrow of infertility slowly beaten like a dead horse, surrounded by solemn images of blurry, gauzy women. It's not an upbeat, feel-good book about how cool we childfree women are, replete with comics and putdowns of moms. Nor is it a staunch defense of parenting and childrearing.

from my review of Madelyn Cain's "The Childless Revolution" on Amazon, a book which generated a flurry of surprisingly harsh comments.

Minor Peeve of the Day

Airlines always let my partner or I use one of their big plastic bags as added protection for backpacks and such that we check in. I feel guilty about the environmental factor, but try to reuse the plastic, and I count on the bags being available.

Continental bagged up my backpack on the way to New York recently. Then at Newark on the way back, they refused. "Bags are only for baby carriers and strollers," they say. I ask to speak to someone about it, get to speak to someone, they say the same
thing.

In other words, Continental Airlines grants favours to parents of babies, and by dint of not offering the same services to non-parents, they are discriminating against us. A tiny annoyance, sure, but it reiterates the endless drumming of the cultural message: babies are special and important, parents are special and important, and if you are not a parent with a baby, you are not special and your needs are not important. Yep, I'm a little oversensitive/overaware of these issues now. It's just plain true, though.

HOUSE BOUND: APRIL 13 AT PERFORMANCE WORKS NW

What happens when you get five women artists, writers, performers in one "house" together, in five different "rooms"? In this case, you get an unusually intimate experience through new motherhood, relationships, living solo, and being childless or childfree.

"Kinesthetic salon" delivers unusual, immersive experience of art, food, performance, and installation at Performance Works Northwest on April 13

NEW NEWS: our poster will be on display this week in Zagreb, Croatia, at ZGRAF, an international exhibition for graphic design and visual communication established in 1975. designed by award-winning Plazm art director Josha Berger, it features Emily Stone in a video still from Tiffany Lee Brown's "Home Movie".

Ticket price includes hors d'oeuvres, wine, and tea. Tickets cost $15 in advance or $20 at the door, via Brown Paper Tickets online or by phone at 503 475 2306. Performance Works NW is located at 4625 SE 67th Avenue; various show times occur April 13 at 11 a.m., 12:30 p.m., 2:00, 3:30, and 5:00. "House Bound" is co-presented by 2GQ, a project of the non-profit organization 2 Gyrlz Performative Arts.

For details, keep reading...

BABIES IN COLLEGE: LETTING THOSE WHO PREFER A CHILDFREE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT MAKE THE CHOICE.

I attend an MFA program at Goddard College, which follows a unique vision of community, progressive self-directed education, responsibility to social change, and low-residency learning. This means we come together for 8 days, twice a year, for an intense, 12-hour daily schedule of workshops, faculty advising groups, graduate seminars, and the like. Then we return to our home communities and practice art there; we read books and write papers and send in documentation of our artwork.

I recently became aware that official policy allows babies in the entire learning environment, including classes. While I question the wisdom of that decision for many reasons, I'm willing to go along with it. What I'd like to see is a strong statement about the policy in all the recruitment and marketing materials for this program. People who choose not to study in the company of babies should have the right to do so, and it shouldn't be buried in the fine print.

I recently sent a version of the letter below to our student affairs coordinator, and posted it to the online community for the program I attend (MFA in Interdisciplinary Arts at Centrum/Port Townsend, Washington).

ALONENESS, UNFEMINIST LOSERS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE...

this post is a continuation of my response to jill's comment here on the site, a comment on the post "Deep Grief."

in my case the seriously ALONE parts are not alleviated by childfree and childless friends, by fantastic family members, etc etc. i have a strong penchant for spending time alone, writing, walking in nature, travelling. i have counseling and couples counseling. i have sympathetic friends and family. i do have all those things, yet i still have hours of either numbingly or hideously painful emptiness and aloneness, directly related to The Baby Issue. so maybe it isn't about having childless friends and a strong family network. maybe it's just that this phenomenon is fundamentally solitary, lonely, alone, and empty. maybe we just have to barrel through it -- alone.

before i'd gone through the emptiness myself, i would read or hear complaints of that nature and i'd think, "Gosh! Get a life!" or something equally compassionate. okay, maybe i wouldn't be that harsh, but i would still have a secret feeling that the woman who feels empty without children just doesn't have enough going on. why isn't she passionate about music or mountain biking? if she cares so much...

BETTER BABYMAKING THROUGH CHEMISTRY

And now for something completely different...

In the latest eugenics -- er, I mean, compassionate parenting -- news, scientists have managed to get three people's DNA into one baby, bypassing any yucky, disease-causing genes.

On the plus side, this sort of thing might help people "pass on their genes" without each and every one procreating. It could solve some overpopulation difficulties.

Or maybe it's just plain weird.

UPDATE, Feb '08: CHILDLESS & CHILDFREE WOMEN IN CONTEMPORARY LANGUAGE

UPDATE, Feb 4 2008: I find "nonparent," referring to a British organisation, in the book "Pride & Joy: The Lives and Passions of Women Without Children" by Terri Casey, and "unparents" in the book "Baby Not On Board: A Celebration of Life Without Kids" by Jennifer L. Shawne.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE:

Inadequate language exists in mainstream English to describe the cultural role and identity of women who go through life without procreating biologically. What few descriptors we have available to us are negative, and they tend to describe us in terms of what we are not, what we don't have, what we don't do: from the ever-charming "barren" through to the somewhat neutral yet pity-invoking "childless," and onward to the more contemporary "child-free" aka "childfree." I am on a search for more interesting language that doesn't come loaded with baggage.

Read on to plow through barren, infertile, childless, childfree, free woman, nymphe, notmother...

CREATING EXPERIENCE

CREATING EXPERIENCE is what I do as an artist. It is what my  "character" does for the audience in our new Works Corps piece, "House Bound." And it is, ultimately, what mothers do; what many women (including myself) are acculturated to do.

When we could have been learning how to be tough, how to do math, how to light G.I. Joe dolls on fire like our brothers were doing, many of us were learning how to make people feel better by feeding them, by making their environment beautiful or comfortable, by tucking a special note into their lunchbox.

If you do not have a biological child for whom to create experiences, shape spaces, modify home environments, and expand learning immersions; if you do not have a child to feed and to nurture, what then? Perhaps you transcend these urges and attend to the matters at hand which are generally considered important by society: being tough, doing math, lighting fires. But perhaps you displace these maternal urges onto adopted children, onto members of your community, people on your team at work, even feral cats. Perhaps you transfer them to audiences. Perhaps you become an artist, seeking to serve, feed, nurture, and create experience for complete strangers.

TRANSCENDING DATED FEMALE ARCHETYPES & CONTEMPORARY, BUT EQUALLY LIMITING, SIMPLISTIC ROLES

Welcome to the patriarchy. Your job is to be a virtuous, virginal maiden, and then start pumping out heirs for a guy you marry. The feminine archetypes you may occupy are: maiden, mother, crone, and if you are terribly naughty, whore.

Sound limiting? Yeah, well, that's pretty much what we've been offered for centuries. Nowadays, we have more options, but we try to limit each other by slapping simplistic labels on each other. Wander around on Internet sites related to childless, childfree, infertility issues, and parenting, and you might actually *prefer* sticking to maiden, mother, whore. The simplistic, foaming invective posted on many sites sets up incredibly claustrophobic, two-dimensional roles and opportunities for stifling self-definition.

Do you experience regret, sometimes, about not having a baby? Well, you must be a "wannabe breeder troll." Have you had to take up an unpopular, defensive position to explain to the world why you don't want to have kids? OK, you're "childless by choice" and you'd better be happy about it 100% of the time, preferably while talking about what horrible little shits all children are (and goddess forbid you should ever let a crack show in that armour -- no moments of regret, doubt, or wondering what your kids would have looked like). Are you a biological mother? Then by all means, you must be perfectly happy about it, have no ability to put yourself in the shoes of childless people, and sheesh, better not reveal any pain, regret, or self-doubt about your decision to be a parent!

If you click through below, you'll see a comment written in response to Sue Lick's "Childless by Marriage" blog post, in which she describes how women on a nonparenting blog called Selfish Heathens called her a "wannabe breeder troll." Isn't is amazing how the Internet brings out the very best in people? I've been geeking out online since 1992, and I still manage to be amazed by people's lack of empathy, curiosity, and originality. On the other hand, Selfish Heathens appears to have some intelligence and humour going on, and, like they say, if you don't like their over-the-top, self-styled attitude, go find a "happy fluffy bunny" childfree site to visit. Well okay then.

SOME DAYS IT's OKAY.

Like today. Sunny. Cold -- what passes for insanely frigid here in mellow Portland. Things to do, people to see. New mothers to hang out with, too.

My friend came over with her baby, and we talked and drank coffee and munched on Blanxarts chocolate. She is feeling the loneliness of motherhood, of her new role in the world, always in the company of a wee one who cannot speak, who can only need. I am feeling the loneliness of notmotherhood, of understanding that going through grief is a solitary process, even if you can compare notes with other mourners about their private, separate grief along the way.

We talked about the weird roles women get saddled with, about the expectations people have of mothers. Of notmothers, too. I told her about my big long Gestation art project thingy. She told me about wanting to gather people to talk about these things. We both had to acknowledge how, well, *male* the art world is. Many subsets of women artists echo the larger, masculine power structure; I would say I do it myself. We want to engender discussion about creation by women, whether we make art of babies or both.

My friend and I are going to put together a few discussions for dealing with these issues. I love this idea. A new-mom artist and a notmother-artist invite artists, moms, not-moms, and others to sit around and sort out this issue. How do you be a mom and an artist? How do you support mom-artists in a society that has always managed to produce lots of artist-dads while women lurked in the background, doing the dirty work of raising the kids? I loaned her my Karen Finley memoir, too.

Today is also okay because the push and pull of Baby Issues can be hell on a relationship. It's no fun being the one who wants the baby, being torn to shreds trying to accept that there will be no baby. It's also no fun being the one who already has a child from a previous marriage, trying to want a baby, not wanting a baby; knowing you are tearing your fiancee to shreds. But it is fun being in a relationship with someone you love and who loves you. It is fun knowing how lucky you were to find each other and work hard on the relationship together, despite the hugeness of The Baby Issue. It is fun to talk things out. It is fun to have a nice dinner. To have flowers brought to you. To put out dozens of little candles. And, you know, do other fun coupley things.

DEEP GRIEF

The deep grief of childlessness is like a dark secret, a disease no one wants to talk about in case it might infect them.

I go to dinner with the newly pregnant couple and have a good time. I don't come anywhere close to freaking out; it's nice to see them, I like the celery soup. She is cranky and hormonal but hasn't lost her wicked sense of humour; she is having back problems and I, a former Chiropractic Assistant, suggest stretches that might help. I drink a lot of wine. This is something I get to do: drink wine. If I were the pregnant lady, I couldn't drink wine.

For the first time in years, I buy a pack of cigarettes. I ask my partner...

A SNIPPET FROM DIANA ABU-JABER

A friend emailed me this excerpt today.

From Diana Abu-Jaber's _The Language of Baklava_:

"Marry, don't marry," Auntie Aya says as we unfold
layers of dough to make an apple strudel. "Just don't
have your babies unless it's _absolutely necessary_."

... (keep reading...)

A FEW REASONS I MIGHT BE A PARENT:

REASONS I MIGHT BE A PARENT:

* My body and brain and hormones practically forced me to do it.
* I wanted to share the ultimate, biologically creative bond with my partner because I love him/her so much.

* I grew up influenced by TV, family, movies, and books that made childless women out to be mean, selfish, jealous witches (like Snow White's stepmother) or bitter, barren, lonely meddlers (like Aunt Charlotte in "A Room with a View").
* I grew up influenced by a culture that showed mothers as being virtuous, self-sacrificing, strong, and happy (The Brady Bunch, the Virgin Mary).

(continues....)

A FEW REASONS I MIGHT BE CHILDLESS/CHILDFREE

REASONS I MIGHT BE CHILDLESS/CHILDFREE:

* I'm happily child-free, but sometimes I wonder what my child would have been like, or I feel some sadness that I don't have family to share things with.

* I don't have a partner and I don't want to raise a child alone.

* I grew up influenced by TV, family, movies, and books that made childless women out to be fascinating world travellers (Auntie Mame) and excellent writers (Virginia Woolf, Emily Dickinsen, Dorothy Parker).

A FEW REASONS I MIGHT BE PARTLY CHILDLESS AND PARTLY A "PARENT:"

REASONS I MIGHT BE PARTLY CHILDLESS AND PARTLY A "PARENT:"

* I'm  a stepmom, a stepdad, a foster parent.
* I'm an adoptive parent because I couldn't have a biological child.
* I'm an adoptive parent because there are so many children out there who deserve to be raised in a healthy home. I couldn't see bringing another person into this world when there is already so much need.
* I'm an uncle, an aunt, a godmother, a babysitter, a teacher.
* I had a beautiful daughter. She died before her first birthday.

BREEDERS vs. CHILDFREE PEOPLE: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

I'm troubled by this bullshit idea that the world consists solely of Happy Selfish Breeders and Happily Self-Righteous Childfree By Choice people, and they must fight to the bitter end.

I say this as someone who spent most of her life happily childfree by choice, who wrote articles about child-free/childless living for books and magazines, and who took some flak for it. I also say this as someone who now understands a *little* more about parenting...

ARE YOU A CHILDLESS OR CHILDFREE? BE PART OF THE "HOUSE BOUND" STORY.

Where does a childless, child-free woman fit into a society of family values, fertility-focused female archetypes, and celebrity baby bumps? Tiffany Lee Brown's performance piece and installation in "House Bound" explores the private and public dimensions of women's identity in relation to artistic creativity, career, motherhood, childlessness, food, and family.

SEEING INPUT FROM OTHER CHILDLESS AND CHILDFREE WOMEN (WHETHER BY CHOICE OR NOT). PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO PARTICIPATE. You can help by answering short questionnaires, or by sending in items related to baby culture. Over the upcoming 18 months, I will be gathering:

- Magazines with celebrity baby news on the cover
- Baby photos, shower invitations, family photo Christmas cards, etc
- Pregnancy test sticks
-  Short questionnaires about parenting, not-parenting, and creativity

Read on for details! Thank you.

 

MOTHERHOOD LITE

In 1996, I wrote an article about being intentionally child-free and enjoying other people's children from a safe distance. This lighthearted piece appeared in BUST magazine, and in "The Bust Guide to the New Girl Order" (Penguin Books, 1999). I adapted it for publication in the UTNE Reader in 2001.

Yeah, it's a little weird coming back years later, having gone through --- still being inside --- the harrowing despair of childlessness. Still, I hear some truth in the article my younger self wrote. Realistically, what I was doing back then was setting up my life so that I would remain childless, remain childfree. I even acknowledged that I might change my mind. But I really didn't know how cutting and deep and terrible and overwhelming the experience would be.

Read the article at UTNE.com.

To K. on myspace...

a woman i'll call "K" posted to a myspace support group about whether it gets any better with time. this was my response:

my experience is that the whole experience of childless living has many phases. some are cyclical. some parts noticeably "get better."

that's my observation from...

"BABY"

Spam appears in my inbox. Much spam. Many spams. Over a dozen have the subject header "Baby." Baby. Baby. Baby.

HYPER-BALKANIZED INTERNET FIEFDOMS AND SUCH

not much point to this post, except that i'm saving a lot of childless/childfree related writings in one spot here on Nymphe.

i went to check out the Selfish Heathens website for childfree agnostics and atheists, did a little intro, admitted i didn't fit the site's rigid participation guidelines (after signing up, i realised that stepparents don't fit their definition), and asked for other site suggestions. i got a bunch of flames in return, and when i went back to address some of the issues that had arisen and to say my final ciao, i discovered that they had disabled my account from being able to post. sooooo... despite the hilarious name, Selfish Heathens is perhaps not the bastion of thoughtful dialogue i was seeking. hee hee. anyway, the thing i'd attempted to post in response is here.

Journal: The Baby Thing

Friday 4 January 2008. Home in Portland today. I awoke early --- my fiance accidentally hit snooze on his alarm clock --- and surprised myself by not minding all that much. Outdoors, the weather and the quality of light colluded in a damp atmosphere of lethargic doom. It took a few minutes to float out of my dreamstate and begin to feel the daily pangs and pains of The Baby Thing.

When I say The Baby Thing, I don't mean a baby: I mean...